Dead Internet Reality

Who the hell is May Leitz and why should I read her words or trust anything she's ever said? All this and more contained within this overglazed MySpace post. Remember MySpace?

To summarize a person is difficult. Sometimes, we lean on the achievements of a person to determine their worth; other times, we lean on identity. But one thing is for sure, I am May Leitz and this is my cool little website.

Let’s pretend that achievements are the metric by which we determine a person’s value:

My name is May Leitz, and I have written three novels (Fluids, Girl Flesh and angels). In my time on Earth, I’ve also made YouTube videos under the moniker Nyx Fears (I created the username over fifteen years ago, so give me a break, okay?) and I have created music, short films, enough essays to fill an additional book, and a light sprinkle of gaming content. I have done it all, as they say.

And now I’m on Substack. It’s interesting because the concept fits me like a glove. Imagine a website where all you do is write words and send them into the void, never to see them again. It sounds like paradise to me.

So here’s a legitimate reason: why has YouTube become utterly dysfunctional? I used to write essays, sit down with a camera and capture those words, and send them into the world attached to my face or my voice. Why would I ever give up the success of a YouTube career for the stress of being a working writer?

Something is going on that you’ve likely noticed over time that I think requires some careful consideration. Why is it that we are inclined to use nonsense words like ‘unalive,’ or ‘cheese pizza,’ or any other sembalance of careful coded speech? What the hell are we doing, allowing an authority figure to dictate our speech, not to change its meaning, but to soften its intensity? The word ‘kill’ is scary, but it should be. The very word itself conveys the desperation of its concept. Why can’t we use the word ‘kill’ online anymore?

Obviously, this is an overexaggeration. You are more than permitted to open any social media app you like, type the word ‘kill’, and hit post without any real repercussions. So then why have the word ‘unalive’ at all? This has been the topic of measured debate recently between two camps:

1. A group of people who are arguing that we have decided to self-police as an act of rebellion and coding to get around the constant eye of “Artificial Intelligence.”

2. A group that believes that the usage of a word like ‘kill’ is inherently complex and thus should be used wisely, whereas a word like ‘unalive’ is perfectly acceptable to throw around. (eg: Why are we using scary words to describe unserious situations?)

The unfortunate synthesis between these two ideas is this: language as it is currently codified is now changing in wildly alarming ways. The savvy reader might be thinking about both the free speech absolutism and the way that we have progressively talked about gender diversity. This has, for better or worse, created a front of the culture war— language.

This sucks. There’s really not a lot to add beyond that many voices on both sides of the aisle are seeing themselves either censored or shouted down by a crowd of people fighting this two-front war on language. I know fence-sitting is not all the rage at this moment, but to make a foolish point, the war itself has created an impossible dichotomy for the artist to navigate. Either you choose to allow one group over the other, or you receive no such consideration. As a person that has historically considered myself a left-leaning person, I too have to acknowledge that speaking on anything with genuine expression has become a minefield.

This requires three things from the artists and creators of tomorrow:

1. A lack of empathy. Regardless of what anyone says, empathy has been around since the dawn of time, and yet we still can’t wrap our heads around it. Why? Because empathy is unproductive in our future climate. Those who feel the least for others will find the most success. (eg: Mr. Beast)

2. Unpredictability. A creator must be willing to surprise their audience with outlandish points. We see this happening already. I am beginning to refer to this as ‘post-modern neo-fascism,’ or ‘post-modern vanity’ in conversation these days. This is a group of people who love themselves so much that they are willing to create an unpredictable fantasy world run entirely by them that makes us all feel insane, yet glued to the media like it is entertainment. (eg: Donald Trump and the ilk who use the power of performance to confuse everyone into obtaining power. This is beginning to fester so badly within internet spaces that it is difficult to parse what level of irony someone is operating on when you read their writing.)

3. A willingness to subject oneself to constant vitriol. This is at the core of my personal reason for discontinuing my usage of YouTube. To be a person with a voice, or god forbid, a face, within the internet space, you must be willing to tolerate levels of abuse that many cannot fathom. Yet, if one is to be a successful creator in the future, other voices in the space will likely advise you to develop thicker skin. This is what they mean.

We are entering a brave new world of online content creation— one devoid of personality or truth, constantly creating a mirage to grift. Everyone in the creator space is a gambling addict. Everyone in the creator space is a rip-and-ship Whatnot streamer that obviously steals from their audience every single day. This is where we are headed, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it is going to get worse before it gets better. It may never get better again.

For these reasons, I am returning to something I did when I was sixteen years old— I’m blogging. Wow. Look at me.

I don’t kid myself into thinking that this website will be any different. I’m sure that, right now, there are Substack writers who are exhibiting the above three traits and are doing much better than I am. As a matter of fact, I remember an awful many times in my life where my unwillingness to become the above three things actively prevented me from succeeding in an online space. You see, we do not live in a meritocracy where those with ideas or a voice are rewarded; we live in a meritocracy where those that can tolerate anything, can do whatever they want, and lack empathy tend to succeed. Why? Because money is now the true God of our world, and becoming more than yourself means becoming nothing at all. You do that to make money, and then the money makes itself. This is why we say ‘unalive’— because we have no humanity left.

If you find my views drastic, I invite you to create your own content online and see how it finds you.

I can remember two exact examples of this reality.

1. Once upon a time, there was a YouTuber named Armored Skeptic who had a silly bit where he would animate a little suit of armor in a tuxedo and complain about how terrible Christianity was and how fantastic science was. It was amusing at the time, and this guy wanted to be friends with me. His name was Greg— we only spoke in person once and it was so awkward that I never talked to him again. (I believe some extreme things went down in the online space involving him and others but I am not going to look it up.) I remember there was a livestream many years ago where he was talking to his chat about me. He said he wanted to take me under his wing and show me the ropes on how to be successful. He said that if I would only learn to stop caring, to do things that were eccentric and controversial and learn to accept that people aren’t going to like me very much, then I could be just as successful as he was. Well, look at us now.

2. My first internet friend was someone named Jeroen who ran/runs a YouTube channel called Horrible Reviews. It was he who first gave me the greenlight to make my own videos. He was a genuine person with a wonderful mind. I loved speaking to him about any manner of horror things. It was because of this friendship that you are reading this post right now. Imagine that! He frequently stressed that I should do whatever I want and whatever feels right and never get too hung up on what brings in the money or the attention. I spent the first three years of my career taking that advice close to the chest. However, over time I started to disassociate when I made videos— it was as if I had to become a different person in front of the camera. This was a strange problem that would often lead to me crying uncontrollably at the end of a video shoot. The crying carried on for years and still occurs to this day. It’s as if there’s a smaller version of me that lives inside of my body that believes that imagination leads to pain. This small May thinks that she will die long before she’s supposed to, because the continued work in the public sphere makes her smaller and smaller until she’s disappeared entirely. Imagine that! Yet Jeroen is probably thrilled, even though I haven’t spoken to him in many years. I hope that he’s kept himself through these unbelievable years.

I know that was a long detour, but I was hoping you could get a vertical slice of what I intend to do with this website. I want to write about the world as I see it, and I don’t want that to be touched by another soul. I don’t want to imagine this as a tool for pain, but for the enjoyment of meaning and knowledge. If, over time, you’ve watched your favorite creator become some inhuman monster, I want you to know that I have seen this too. This is where I’m going to talk about that and much more. I don’t want you to walk away from this saying that I am righteous— the opposite, actually. I want you to see me as a coward who is finding a safe corner to think all of this through.

I want the world to relearn how to think. And luckily, the world is ending. There’s never been a better time to imagine the future.

May L.

mayleitz1@gmail.com

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